Here it is another day and things don't seem to be getting any better. Now really this could be because I have a 17 year old who just hates that there are rules. I come home from work and no one is around, nothing has been done and I have not heard where this child is. I have been told that I don't have any right to know and it is really none of my business.


I paid for the car from my retirement funds. I pay for the gas from the money that I receive in child support. I pay the rent on the house. I pay for all of the food and much of the hobbies because the child does not work right now. With all of that I have earned the right to know where and when about this child.

Yes, I am not saying if male or female so that if someone in my family stumbles across this they won't be able to be angry at me for getting my feelings out and in something as awful as a blog. I have been told by my older children that I don't have the right to write anything about how I am feeling because they might see it or their father might see it and might be hurt. That assumes that their father cared a wit about me and he does not. From what I know he is proud of how he hurt me and how he got away with it because he claims that he never should be held accountable for anything because of his mental illness. I still don't believe that it is an excuse that he is mentally ill. Mental illness does make those that suffer from it do things that they don't want to do, but unless there is some illness beyond bipolar and ptsd the person who has this knows what they do and they know it is wrong when they do it and they apologize for it with the persons that they hurt. At least my friends with bipolar say that is true. My soon to be ex husband said that nothing that he ever did was worthy of an apology, not the attempt on my life, not the horrible things that he said, not the isolation, not telling me I had no right to be in HIS home, not anything. He was right in all of it.

Sorry I went back into my hurt. So anyway my children have said that I have no right to write about this because he might see it and they don't want him hurt. Really, he is not going to go anywhere near a blog so I am not worried about hurting anyone. I am not telling them that I am writing. They will never happen upon this on accident so it is safe. But I will never identify anyone that I have not told that I am writing about them.

I want my life to become better and until I get this hurt out of me I won't be able to move on. I want so much to become a happy, healthy, loving and loved person. I want a family that loves me and cares about me. I want happiness and I haven't a clue how to find it. This is my journey to get the sadness and anger out and move one. My children have learned to put me down from their father and now I have to teach them that this is not ok. The 17 year old just sent a text to apologize for not letting me how where and when. It is a start so there is hope.